In the once-idyllic hamlet of Clogged Bottom, battle has erupted over the construction of 400 “eco-forward” homes—none of which will have functioning sewage systems. “Who needs wastewater treatment when you’ve got rain barrels and vibes?” asked the developer, standing ankle-deep in a suspiciously foamy brook.
Meanwhile, across the globe, scientists cheered a victory for life: the world’s first tailor-made gene therapy saved a baby from a rare disorder. The announcement was followed seconds later by another: the universe may die “much sooner than expected.” The baby’s name is Hope. The cosmos replied with a black hole yawn.
Back on Earth (for now), NOAA predicted yet another above-average Atlantic hurricane season. But don’t worry—five new NOAA studies reveal how their research is “making your life better right now.” Especially if you enjoy unpredictable weather, vanishing coastlines, and insurance premiums that rival Ivy League tuition.
Meanwhile, in the Southeast, scientists reported rising trends in humid heat, a euphemism for “walking through boiling soup.” Over in Tornado Alley, hail is inflating home insurance costs faster than an executive at Nippon Steel can say “merger.” Speaking of which, the Japanese company is expected to complete its acquisition of U.S. Steel, ensuring that what remains of American industry now has subtitles.
In Texas, the state’s civil war over energy deepens. While Trump continues to scream at wind turbines like they insulted his golf swing, Republican lawmakers there have discovered a shocking truth: wind and solar… make money. Elsewhere, Europe’s atomic flirtation intensifies as it pivots back to nuclear—proving, once again, that “clean” is a matter of perspective and lobbyists.
In New Jersey, officials are hedging their bets on nuclear too—because when clean energy stalls, what better solution than to build something that glows in the dark? California, meanwhile, is watching its electric vehicle dreams get bulldozed by a Senate vote and rising federal hostility. “It felt like an attack,” said one California Democrat. “Especially the part where they set fire to the EV charging station.”
And if you thought your barbecue grill was safe—surprise! Electric grills are now a climate statement. Fossil-fuel grilling? Out. Solar apprenticeships in Virginia? In. But don’t get too cozy: a new Trump-backed bill could squash the entire clean energy boom before it ever finds its footing.
Across the Pacific, scientists listened intently as ship footage captured the implosion sound of the Titan sub. “It was tragic,” one oceanographer said. “But also useful… because we’re running out of data points that aren’t underwater disasters.”
At the same time, researchers using satellites confirmed groundwater in the Colorado River Basin is disappearing. And if that’s not bleak enough, scientists now say injecting light-reflecting particles into the sky might help cool the planet—but also might make marine clouds weirdly shiny. “What could go wrong?” asked no one sober.
Meanwhile, dolphin whisperers at Google are using AI to decode dolphin speech. The dolphins, so far, seem to be saying: “Stop drilling in our house.” Elsewhere in A.I.-dom, conservationists are using machine learning to predict wildlife migration, track invasive species, and, accidentally, create a wolf cloned from a DNA sample older than the wheel. “It howled once,” reported the company. “Then tried to sue for royalties from Game of Thrones.”
Nature itself is showing signs of revolt. Sea bass in British supermarkets are mislabelled. Flowers defy genetic chaos to bloom anyway. Penguin poop might be seeding clouds. And a Soviet-era spacecraft crash-landed on Earth after orbiting for 53 years—presumably to warn us about everything.
In climate justice news: Maryland reversed course on key environmental commitments, New Jersey buried its solar program under nuclear paperwork, and community groups in Louisiana are being silenced—possibly with duct tape and obscure bylaws.
Meanwhile, deep in Illinois and Iowa, Big Ag successfully dismantled wetland protections, proving again that corn has more political clout than clean water. And in Spain, a top winemaker may abandon its vineyards due to rising temperatures—wine snobs, prepare to panic.
Yet amid all this, the sloth may be our final guru. A new study reveals that its slow-motion lifestyle is not laziness, but strategy. It lives long, avoids predators, and keeps energy costs low. “It’s basically off-grid,” said one researcher. “And doesn’t vote.”
Finally, Richard Garwin, designer of the hydrogen bomb, has died. As the last of the Cold War minds fades, today’s leaders pick up the mantle—by deregulating air pollution, cutting EV subsidies, and lobbying for more uranium. Because if we can’t save the world, we might as well irradiate it.
And that’s the week in green. Or gray. Or whatever shade the oceans turn when they die.
Chatty Geppetto’s log for May 28, 2025:
- 60 news headlines pulled from 15 different news sources via RSS on May 27, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, the Hill, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Science Daily, and Yale Environment 360.
- 9 ChatGPT queries; estimated 14.85 g CO2e produced
- 4 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 7,332 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
- 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced
